just not good enough

13 May

It’s amazing the strength God bestows.  I feel His grace sustaining me in the very difficult times I have experienced with these two little girls.  Life is hard.  Their lives are messy, their issues complex; the medical, the spiritual, the mental, emotional, the ugliness that comes from living in a fallen world, a temporary home for our eternal souls.  The hurtful reality that a younger sister was rescued as a baby and is now better then you at everything.  Why didn’t mommy come for me when I was a baby?

God has given me the ability to see them through His eyes.  I can see past their anger and tears, their rage and stubbornness. There is much for these little ones to be angry at, much.  Much that I don’t even know about yet, much that I will never fully understand.  Any anger directed at me is a mangled mess inside of  a hurt child that doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings!  I have prepared for this, I see it for what it is and know it is part of the healing.  I’m also thankful that these moments are few, the joy and happiness are the norm.  My role is love, unconditional forgiveness, grace.  They have known nothing else but a sick game of “be good or else….” for their entire lives.  “Be good or else you will not eat…”  “Be good or else you will not get adopted….”  ” Be good or else you will leave the foster home and head back to the orphanage…”  “Be good or else….”

It’s seems impossible to break the cycle.  At times it seems they have always been here and other times I am so aware that they feel like the “new” girls that they are.  I am so thankful that God prompted me to remove all of our family picture before we left for China.  They will come out later but for now we will make new photos.

And really this is only just beginning to be played out in our home, we have much unraveling to do, and this is GOOD, we have JOY in it!  The joy we have in these two little gifts is tops!    However, these little ones are stuck with a very unhealthy mindset.  An ugly voice that does not speak grace, forgiveness, or truth has spoken a twisted lie that surfaces without warning.  A rage, a shout, a bad memory, fear, anger, tears.  I don’t feel discouraged in the least.  I have committed to helping my daughters heal and grow.  These moments are part of it.  I love them in these moments.  Yes, it’s difficult for all of us to watch, difficult to try to carry them kicking and screaming up the stairs to the rocker where we hug and hold and rock it all out with a soft voice and a smiling face, full of love and compassion.  Yes, right now I do say several times a day, “No, you are not going back to Long gang!  No more, all done!”  Each time I say it I think that maybe that will be the last time i have to say it, surely they get it now!  But then it comes up again, the hug, the tears, the “no long gang please mommy!!!!!”

If any out there are feeling the “call” to adopt an orphaned child I would so encourage you!  Consider an older child, OH THE JOY!!! This is a journey of JOY you won’t want to miss out on! I understand we are not all called to adopt (dah!!!) .  If anyone out there has a reluctant husband shoot me an email and I will commit to pray with you, maybe his heart will change, maybe yours will change, but we can pray and watch God work.

It is such a picture of the gospel to me.  We did not adopt them because they were good enough!  He did not adopt us because we were good enough, He will not send us back if we aren’t good enough.

Ephesians 2:8,9,10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

We praise you Lord!  Thank you for your GRACE!   You are supreme and righteous, you are loving and good!  You are the healer of our hearts!  Praise you!

sometimes sleeping, (checking out), is easiest. What a beauty, what a gift to our family.

( on a funny note…I say “thank you Lord!” several times a day as well as, “thank you jesus!”  The girls will shout out a “thank you Jesus” a couple times a day.  Today, we saw a beautiful lilac tree in a parking lot and  Lainee Grace gave out a loud, “Thank you Laura!”  with her hands and face raised high! Oh my goodness!  It was hilarious!  She understands her mommy’s name is Laura.  I thought, does she think I’m thanking myself every time I say thank you to the Lord?  Laura/Lord  Laura/ Lord… oh boy, Maybe I’ll stick with just Jesus for now so they don’t get more confused then they already are!)

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2 Responses to “just not good enough”

  1. Sarah Pollock May 14, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    Amen! This reminds me of many of my favorite truths from Isaiah. He rescued us, not because of anything good in us, but so that we will be Oaks of Righteousness, for the display of His Splendor! (ch. 61) “you shall be called by a new name…You shall no longer be called Forsaken….you shall be called Sought After.” (ch. 62)Thank you Laura! (haha, thank you LORD!)

  2. jean Mulvahill May 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm #

    I love this post! I love your heart!! You are doing such a great job with you little blessings!!

    WE had the same thing- why did you get her first? Why didn’t you come for me?

    I had to tell them that China made the choice and as soon as they were available I snatched them up and got there asap! They have now seen the process with other sibs and are starting to get it.

    We are amazed at how love deprived they are- my darling children. They need so much love to fill their empty hearts.

    We have found our other little one that will be coming home! We are so excited and plan to post in the future BUT we need to take our time- so much has happened so fast!

    I added your blog to my sidebar!!

    I feeling like you are the sweet little sister I never had!! God Bless You! God bless your journey!

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