beauty in brokenness

15 May


scared, first photo of Lainee Grace

I look at that picture and can’t believe how very brave she was to come with us, I can’t believe it!  I honestly think that if zinnia were not with her she would have had a great big freak out!  Still when we  instruct her with a stern voice or very gentle voice she gets this same look, a faraway look then just busts into tears and it’s very hard to bring her back down.  The tears are big and real and thick, thicker and deeper then what I can see.

This is Lainee now 6 weeks later:

such joy and laughter abounds!

She is healing, she is broken, layers are unravelling.  That’s the only word I can think for her, she’s healing!  It’s a process, a long journey.  However, this smily happy Lainee is the one we see most.  Lainee Grace has a great way of communicating.  I can understand her communication better then Zinnia’s attempts, although both are progressing.  When I think back to China the Lainee Grace that we now enjoy is a completely new child from the one we met in China.  The tough, bossy, hard, independent little one has broken.  The hard shell of protection has cracked and been tossed out.  She is a 6.5 year old 2 year old in a 4 year old’s body!   She has learned to trust us. We have gone back in time…Lainee loves to be rocked, to be held and cuddled and kissed.  She brings us such laughter everyday.  Lainee does not do well with noise and chaos.  I need to protect her and avoid those situations.  Yesterday we took the train downtown to visit daddy at work.  I was thinking they would enjoy seeing where it is daddy goes everyday, another piece to their puzzle.  There was a Cubs game and the train was packed!  They were not ready for this yet.  I pushed it and paid the price.  Too much.  Tears, a melt down, and a  stressed out, exhausted mommy.  I can’t rush things, but let them go slowly, let them work it out, let them cry and laugh and heal.  Praying for wisdom, great wisdom and great love, patience, strength.  I want to parent them good.

So often I long for things that are only reserved for heaven.  Brokenness here on earth can be beautifully used by God to draw us into deeper intimacy with Himself and to help us yearn for Jesus, in Heaven:  to be with Him forever.  He wants us to give up the dream and prayer of making our lives “better”, “good” etc. He will use what He sees fit to shift our dream and prayer to an abandonment of all else but Jesus alone.  Wanting Jesus alone, yearning for Him, not even the very “good” things here on earth.  It’s a deeper level of dependence and trust in God.  Deeper still, I want that.  When we have children that are “broken” it’s important not to idolize their healing or their journey to wholeness, their diagnosis, their long list of things that need work.  It’s overwhelming and the enemy would like to use that as a form of discouragement.  Refuse it!  Live each day parenting to the very best of your ability.  These are God’s children and He will perfectly reveal to you, the parent who he has fully equipped, what road needs to be taken with your little, or big, child.   One of our sons is severely dyslexic, a genius in the real sense of the word, but still one who does not fit into a traditional class room.

found this picture on my camera just now

For years I was distracted and preoccupied with fixing him, trying everything, longing for him to be fixed to have a “better” life, or maybe for me to feel “better”.  Today I’m loving Noah for who God created Him to be, realizing that there is a very special way about Noah, choosing to see the beauty in Noah.  Knowing that God had these two special girls in our family for a”better” purpose and one of those for me is getting to see Christ shine through Noah.

If you rang my door bell after lunch asking for Noah, I would lead you to the backyard and point to his tree, this is where I would tell you to find him.

what a blessing he is to his new sisters

I must remember that in this world we will have trouble but He has overcome the world and we are not home yet!  Choosing to see beauty in the brokenness around me,  beautiful brokenness right here in my own home.  Longing for heaven and wholeness with Jesus, Laura

Noah buddying up with Lainee Grace on our train ride down town to see daddy : what great SMILES! Perfectly created by a perfect Creator!


One Response to “beauty in brokenness”

  1. Sonia May 17, 2011 at 6:48 am #

    Oh Laura, my heart is both broken and rejoicing with your journey! I feel like we are walking right next to each other through this journey and that we are experiencing so many of the same things. Praise Him that He is walking right alongside of us!

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