loving the one that is MINE

9 Jul

lake michigan is just beautiful today.  it’s crystal clear, even from way off shore I could see the ripply bottom.  There was hardly a wave, it didn’t even really look like the same lake michigan that we know and love.  The children all love the huge wavy days but we really had fun today.  Chris took the kids tubing on Lake Michigan and the kids had fun afterward when we anchored the huge tube (it looks like a huge couch) out off shore a ways.

I got to take off in one of the kayaks.  I was gone for a nice bit, a great day for a nice long kayak trip, by my self, thinking, praying, working my arms, looking at the beautiful clear water.

While I kayaked along I thought back over the week.  One event stuck out to me, I can’t get it out of my mind.

I ran into town one night for a quick manicure.  I got chatting with the lady who was doing my nails.  I talked about adoption and how we felt like it was something God had called us to do etc.  I could tell by her reaction that she was, well, full of questions.  Sorry, I’m not putting her down, she just didn’t get it and I was eager to talk.  We chatted about how God will often call you to do something that seems very much “beyond you” or uncomfortable, even risky but that He will provide for you all that you need, that it will be a deep, deeper kind of joy when you follow and obey, that your relationship with God takes on a new form, you need Him, you trust Him, love Him more then life and hope for the day when you can spent eternity in Him presence.

I opened up about our youngest daughter, youngest by just a few months.  She was adopted when she was 8 months.  From the age of 2 and on she has been a very real challenge for us, all of us.  I have been hugely humbled because of God placing her in my life .  I have had sunday school teachers and choir teachers and babysitters and violin teachers and grand parents  and on and on confront me, this extremely humbling.  This is different.  I never had this with my older 4 or older 6 now.  I have needed God in a very different way because God placed her in my life.  I am able to relate to other moms that I would have otherwise judged.  I remember right around the time she was 3 I began wondering…”are all chinese little girls like this?”  She was so different from my other children.  I had my hands FULL.  I remember seeing another adoptive mom of a chinese girl at gymnastics.  I quized her and asked tons of questions, wondering….is this a chinese thing?  I had two years of dark turmoil in my heart.  “i am so annoyed and bothered by my adopted daughter!”  It was like a secret, afraid to share, at the risk of looking so unloving and ugly.

I was very leary of adopting 2 more chinese girls….  What will they be like?  What if they are as annoying as the little one?  I honestly thought that maybe by adopting two older SN girls God would help me to see that the Little One was perfect, because they would be such a mess.  Even in China I could tell, they were “normal” little girls.  It was a new kind of comfort, one that I was not expecting, it was not a Chinese thing.  It was a Little One thing.  Do you know what I mean?

i’m  on the other side, guess what?  SHE is still the difficult one, for all of us, the annoying, hard to be patient with one.  HER, not the new girls.  God showed me when they adjusted to our family, the two new girls, that no, not all chinese girls are like that.  I struggle with her NOT because she is adopted (which I thought for 2 long years). No, she is a very real struggle that God has allowed us, by HIS GRACE and our good.  There are  hard days, with her.  Seasons with her.

As I shared some with this TOTAL-stranger-manicure lady she said something in reply to me that

shocked

my

entire

being

“didn’t you have to like sign something when you adopted her or whatever?  like couldn’t you like send her back or something?”

I blurted out, “NO!  She’s MINE!”

And at that moment I felt the rush of the Holy Spirit.

“One coat or two?”  ” Just one tonight”  (get me out of here!)

And I cried all the way home.  Yes, Lord, she is mine.  You have given her to me and would I ever want it any other way?  No.  She is

Mine.

And He used this conversation to remind me of my deep love for HER after a VERY difficult week with HER.

He used that very conversation to draw my heart to hers:  MY daughter  for better or for worse.

MINE and I’m loving her with all I’ve got, one day at a time, my beautiful little oak of righteousness planted by the LORD, planted in my family.

you see, God is constantly speaking to us, working in our daily lives.  We just need eyes to see Him and be aware that he perfectly orchestrates each moment, circumstance and encounter.

Isaiah 61

“The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound, to proclaim the year of the LORD’S faovr, and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,

to grant to those who mourn in Zion-

To give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit, that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

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2 Responses to “loving the one that is MINE”

  1. Lisa Bara July 11, 2011 at 10:03 am #

    Thanks for that post. I needed that TODAY. I, too, have a very challenging little one in my family–also adopted from China. She was my third adoption, so I knew it wasn’t an “adoption” thing but I have had many days where i found myself questioning her adoption…if only i had known how challenging she would be would i have not brought her into our family?? On those dark days, God somehow shows me her beautiful, strong spirit in a positive light and I can make it one more day knowing she is in my life for a reason.

  2. Jill July 20, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    Thank you for you very honest post! I have a very difficult 6 year old who was adopted from China when she was 11 months. She has pushed buttons in me I didn’t even know I had. I noticed very early on that most people don’t want to hear the negative and you learn to stop talking about it. It’s refreshing to hear other adoptive moms say what I have been feeling. Even though she is a tough one to parent, I know she is mine and I love her so much!

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