Parenting tip~ The older adopted child

26 Mar

Adopting an older child or children has been so much fun for our family.

It comes with such great rewards.

HOWEVER,

I don’t want you all to think that we don’t have struggles over here at 7 from Heaven!

There have been many tears (from mom)

Rocky moments,

times of discouragement etc.

It’s not easy!

But God equips and provides, so perfectly.

One thing that has been so very helpful for me,

one thing that I have found brings out the best in my older adopted children is this:

enabling them to obey.

Let me give you an example of this from this morning at my house

Well, let me back up a minute before I do.

ugh.

I guess I feel I need to be honest and tell you that we had quite an incident at our house this morning.  Involving the new girls, and mimi.  But I honestly can’t go into it right now.

Lot’s of tears from Zinnia especially.  She was guilty and felt badly.

She does NOT know how to handle her strong emotions.

She’s learning but it’s still very hard, for both of them.

I lovingly corrected her, guided her to ask forgiveness etc. and she….

freaked out-major!

In all the screaming she lashed out at

me!

“why you so so so mean to me, MOMMY!!!!!!”

ugh.

You must, must must look through it and see it for what it is.

A messed up little girl who doesn’t understand, has never been taught how to handle emotions.

When you see MAD in your older adopted child it helps to think SAD.

She’s sad and confused.

it’s over now, but it was pretty ugly around here.

meeting with the older kids to pray for her and debrief them.

Repentence came, hugs and

a very very sincere, “I’m so sorry mommy!”

I need to believe God allowed all this to give her one more experience, one more circumstance to prove to her that

God and mom and dad love you weather you are good, or bad.  unconditionally!

It looks like we had a horrible morning, but, God loves these girls, my older kids and me!  He’s working all this for our good.

So, I’m encouraged, not discouraged.  God is working and I’m choosing to trust him.

okay, back to my tip:

After the incident Zinnia was “fragile”.

Sitting at the kitchen counter eating bfast with all the other kids.

I opened the pantry and found a mug with something that looked like chewed up nuts that had been spit out.

Instantly I thought~”oh no!  I hope this wasn’t the new girls.  I’ve tried to avoid food issues, so carefully.What the heck is this?  when did she do this?  why?  or is it no big deal?  ”  But in my heart I knew it was probably Zinnia.  I tried not to look into it for an issue.  But just trust God.  So, I prayed for wisdom on what to do.  I pulled it out of the pantry with a BIG smile on my face.

I walked with it back to the counter casually, in a way that said, “no big deal!”

I wanted to avoid asking, “who did this?”  With the older adopted child don’t ever ask, “who did this?”  BECAUSE: it would bring shame and the temptation to lie, fear of getting in trouble etc.

So, I looked right at her and as I cleaned it out in the sink I said even though I did not KNOW that it was Zinnia, “Next time when you are done with something please put it in the sink, okay, honey? guys, all of you, when you are done with a dish just put it in the sink, please.”  smile smile smile!

Then Zinnia looked up and said, “oh, okay, sorry mom, that’s disgusting, sorry!”

in her normal sweet way.

This may look insignificant to some.

But, BELIEVE me.  It was triumph in my heart and kitchen.

Melt down of emotions AVOIDED!  Yippee!

 

Believe me.  If i would have said, “Disgusting!!  who did this????”  I would have had several:”Not me”s and I didn’t want her to lie.  Remember, she was already very fragile. It’s my job to help her obey, help her do the right thing.  I want to avoid sneaky behavior and lying and tempertantrums.

Enable your older adopted child to obey.

It’s a very special gift you can give them.

After an offense against Gigi, reconciliation comes. So glad I got to snap this photo. God is working in all of our lives. Learning and learning.

 

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4 Responses to “Parenting tip~ The older adopted child”

  1. Tobi Wright March 26, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    Thank you Laura. I can use that on my bio kids in the here and now but I will also print it and tuck it away for that “some day” when our adopted kids are here.

  2. Melinda Karlson March 26, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    You are so encouraging Laura. May God continue to give you strength, peace, joy, wisdom, and discernment. Thanks for how you have encouraged me.

  3. Tammy Vandermeulen March 31, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    Thank you for the tip. I am bringing home two 7 year olds from Bulgaria in the next month or so. I can easily see how the way you handled the situation was much better than an alternate method. Enabling your child to obey. I love it!

  4. Wendy Hoff April 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

    Thank you Laura. It is so easy to ask the whys instead of just letting it go. This really was what I needed to hear. Glad God guided me to your blog.

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