a little bit of honest…

14 Apr

Lots happening around here

The days fly by, weekends especially.

Friends,

I’m in a season on “radical acceptance”.

One of our children has a been a very real and overwhelming struggle for us.  After years of sifting through diagnoses, books, therapists, medications, batteries of tests, labels, videos, and a conference, I am left to

sit in it.

The rational side of me is a doer.  I formulate a plan.  Try to make the afternoon a smooth one.  “I will take care of this! I’m going to end this struggle.  I’ve got this!”  keeping one step ahead of an explosion, gingerly buffering her interactions when I see emotions elevate.  It can drive me to exhaustion.

The emotional side of me feels beat up, used, hurt. sad and tired.  I repeat unhealthy things over and over in my hurt head, “you are psychotic!  You are crazy!” not to my self,no, those things are thought about the one who hurts me.

Somewhere in the middle of rational and emotional I long to settle in on the place called Wisdom.  Where I can see correctly, I can make wise decisions, I have perspective. Its what I’m working on right now, where I want to head to.

I’m working on validating my feelings and changing my self talk. I’m working on a daily schedule and ways to make the day go smoother, practical things to cope.  I’m working on all this and the hardest part of working on it is not letting it consume my every thought and prayer.  Every sermon, every hymn, every radio message…

I hate that for me,

its centered on her and “this” that we sit in. 

As the years go by I’m accepting that

Dreams of who a child (adopted) would be have 

shattered

And that’s really hard right now.

 

 

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4 Responses to “a little bit of honest…”

  1. jean Mulvahill April 15, 2013 at 10:33 pm #

    I understand your struggles… we are feeling them too. Reality with adoption is just different and challenging… There are no guarantees…

    Just praying our way through it and giving it to GOD. At the same time we are making necessary changes at home and in our homeschool.

    I am asking God to reveal to me his direction and his plan… it’s different than anticipated and we are starting to use outside resources.

  2. beth jones April 15, 2013 at 11:05 pm #

    oh Laura. i love who you are. press on.

  3. Sonia April 16, 2013 at 9:03 am #

    Oh girl….you KNOW I hear you on this one. Right there with you with one of ours…..wondering if the battle will ever end this side of Heaven. Wondering about his future and what that looks like, wondering whether he will choose to still be a part of our family when he is grown….trying to picture that in my head….most of the time not successfully. In the trenches with you friend. In the trenches….but looking upward. Fight the good fight mama!

  4. roomforatleastonemore April 16, 2013 at 10:48 pm #

    Can relate in many ways, but my struggle is not with one who was adopted. And so I have nothing to blame it on (except often myself). :( Sigh. But I don’t really think it is all my fault, because my other bio child doesn’t act this way. But what is a mother to do? When the prayers seemingly go unanswered? And the cycle continues? I don’t have any answers but this post really, really resonates. It is just a subject I never blog about. Too painful and raw for me and I don’t know how he’d feel about me stating it on the blog.

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